Before I had children, I never wanted to be a stay-at-home mom. I've always wanted to work! I needed to feel productive. I needed to have something that was all mine.
After I had Keaton, my feelings changed some but not a lot. I was able to stay at home with him for the first three or four months. Once I went back to work, it was hard. I would have liked to stay at home with him, but when I had to go to work, I didn't feel like my heart was being ripped from my chest.
Now, I've changed my mind! I want to stay home with my baby! I don't know what it's so much harder to go to work now that Titus is here. Maybe it's because I was only home with him for 9 weeks after he was born. Maybe it's because when he was 6 weeks old we moved in with my parents while trying to get our house ready. (Something that was supposed to last a month ended up lasting almost six!) Maybe it's because my sweet Titus still doesn't have his room painted and decorated when Keaton had that before he was born. Maybe it's because I've seen how fast it all went with Keaton, and I feel like I'm missing out on everything with Titus. Maybe it's because my mother-in-law said my husband is more of a mother than I am because I work.
All I know is...I took Titus to the doctor yesterday. He has two spots of ringworm on his face, he has pink eye in both eyes, his left ear is infected, he now needs tubes in his ears, and he has a heart murmur that must be checked by a cardiologist before he can be cleared for the tubes. (All of this came up practically over night! Please don't think I notice symptoms and neglected to take him to the doctor!) Last night I was up with him all night, and when I finally got him cozy, sleeping in his bed, it was time for me to get dressed for work.
Don't get me wrong! I like my job. I truly believe it is the best job for a working mother to have, and I'm very thankful that God has blessed me with it. It's just that lately, I find myself praying that God would bless Steven with a salary that would allow me to stay home or even work only part-time.
Then again...I may feel differently tomorrow. Who knows?
I feel the same way. When I see past students who barely finished high school and are able to stay home with their babies, I become jealous. What did I do wrong? While trying to better myself did I also set myself up to be 'less' of a mother than those who are staying home? Who knows the answer or the solution...But one thing is for sure you are NOT alone!
ReplyDeleteOh girl! I think the Holy Spirit is speaking to you. I think some people are fine working, and their children do well, while other people are called to be there & prepare their children for kingdom work. Do you know how much flack I take for not working? For "wasting my education"? There is no greater joy (and no job more important) in this world than bringing up the next generation. A GODLY generation. And no one can do that like a full-time, Godly mother. The children see that they mean more to you than any one else. I couldn't imagine leaving my own to go teach someone else's every day. I know you are grieving that. Have you heard of Dave Ramsey? Financial Peace University? You should go through that program with Steven, and make a plan to get out of debt, and be able to stay home. Explore other options, Could you tutor from home (or the church) for a few hours every afternoon? Could you teach at a junior college, where your schedule would be much less (like a class or two per week)? There are ways out there, you just have to pray & seek God's face. He will provide a way. I believe God gives you the desires of your heart. I'll be praying for you.
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